Luzzio

It’s hard not to cringe when I look at how limited the range of my topics are confined to these days. Law, life abroad, or her. Today’s no exception, unfortunately.

Maintaining a platonic relationship with someone you’re immensely passionate about demands so much of you. After the phase of drunken love confessions and promises of making this friendship still work somehow, the amount of patience, care, and willpower you have to tap into reaches a new high that you never knew existed. I’ve never loved someone so strongly, and yet made this much an effort of acknowledging the object’s indifference. Seemingly a dead end, every day’s a balance of walking toward a blocked entrance you can already see from afar, a constant trapeze of action and dilemma. You throw a tease and joke at her although inside rages an urge to shower with honest praise and affection because you’ve learnt to allow rationale and acceptance/defeat to take the reins, realizing that passion serves no further purpose. And while you sometimes harbor hopes in the little things you do, it’s a strange limbo of also knowing you’re indulging in self denial.

Of course, one grows. Forgets, loses interest. In time. But every day of reflection and finding that I might just love her a little less, makes me sad inside. It’s hard to tell if this is mourning for the fading of the best damn feeling of your life, or just disappointment from learning that we’re really on separate paths in perpetuity.